The NeoKnight Inquirer



This Shit Fuckin Nasty


The word 'Hedonism' often conjures the image of a grape-eating, wine-drinking Dionysus. The party god, who I bet loves raisins, too. I would like to posit today that I am a greater Hedonist than that old, crusty ol, little baby bitch, for one simple reason: I don't *do* acquired tastes.

Yes, I am so wrapped around the finger of instant gratification that I can't get drunk, or even buzzed.

Look, it's not for a lack of trying, alright? I've tasted a lot of alcohols at this point. Wines, beers, Mike's Hards, vodka, irish cream, rum mixed with various regular drinks, champagne, a Long Island Iced Tea, a Manhattan, Dirty Shirleys, chocolatey disaster drinks... I'm no Saint or Teetotaler. I've tried lots of things. If it isn't too gross to take more than one sip, then it's too diluted for me to feel anything within the acceptable bounds of 'how many drinks I can have in a short period of time'. Yes, even the Dirty Shirley, which I was SURE I could pound enough of.

Alcohol just... tastes bad, and anyone who says it doesn't is a goddamn liar.

I turned 21 with zero fanfare. Frankly, I can't think of a worse environment to be in than a bar or a frat party, so I just... don't... go to places with alcohol. This past month, my best friend and I have been having weekly 'movie nights' where we bring a new drink to try, with a zero-for-three drunk success rate. I've had family members who would not condone alcohol help try to get me drunk, out of pity for how much of a square I am. (Seriously - when I was 19, I hopped on a Megabus to Toronto with my best friend, and we spent a night at a cool Jazz Bar. The whole time, I was texting my mom about the drink attempts.) I really doubt I'm ever going to get drunk more than once; I just want to do it to say that I have, at this point. Experience it once, see what it's like, and move on.

At least with my lack of drug use, I can say it's on purpose; I'm a little afraid of it. I have a friend who had a complete mental breakdown after doing too much weed, and lord knows I learned not to touch drugs after everything my older brother tried. I know harder drugs can fuck you up. I've stayed away from them on purpose. Alcohol, on the other hand, is my goddamn white whale now. All throughout my teens, I had no interest in it, but now I'm approaching an age where it's weird for me not to have been drunk even once, right?

This isn't exclusive to alcohol, by the way. I can't take more than a sip of black coffee, unsweetened iced tea, or... any of those gross seltzer drinks. Same with diet soda, and energy drinks. Pure, unadulterated hedonism. Miss me with that shit that doesn't taste perfect.

Anyway, the point of this article is to be an open letter. TELL ME WHAT I CAN DRINK THAT TASTES GOOD. My friend and I just ran out of ideas, because, frankly, Shirley Temples are the best drink known to man. If Shirley can't get me drunk, then who can???

Thankfully, it seems that, uh, liquor stores are essential businesses.

Thank you for reading the Inquirer. Please, dear readers with delicate taste buds, I need your help for this one. I promise I won't use your suggestions for evil and become an alcoholic. I hate spending money on anything that isn't frog-related.