Special Containment Procedures: Subject is to be contained within a standard humanoid containment cell at Site-17, thermally regulated at all times to be no more than 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In the event of an attempted breach of Foundation protocol, operatives equipped with flamethrowers are to be dispatched for the subject’s immediate surrender, and all amenities are to be taken away from the subject for a duration of no less than six months, despite any insistence of breaches being “just a prank".

In case of a Melt-K class scenario, two cubic meters of snow and one large pumpkin are to be kept within secure cells at multiple locations around the world at all times. Failure to do so could result in the temporary loss of SCP-9922, as well as the dissemination of sensitive Foundation information that the subject has learned during containment.

Due to good behavior, [DATA EXPUNGED], and the inherent difficulty of containment, subject is under low-security observation, and is allowed to leave its cell and access all Level-1 sectors of Site-17. Subject has been allowed heavily restricted access to a computer with an internet connection, as well as a waterproof ██████-brand drawing tablet. Data sent and retrieved from the internet is to be monitored at all times. Other requests by SCP-9922 for objects of enrichment are subject to approval by the Site Director.


SCP-9922's anomalous custard-generating properties being tested by Foundation staff.

Description: SCP-9922 is a 1.5 meter tall entity whose appearance is consistent with contemporary depictions of snowmen, albeit cuboid and female. It is mainly composed of an outer layer of non-anomalous snow, which stays frozen at temperatures up to 70 degrees Fahrenheit, and maintains some level of solidity up to 120 degrees Fahrenheit. On the front of the subject are small pieces of coal, with three on its torso, two for eyes, and an inconsistent number forming a mouth. Two wooden protrusions, deemed to be genetically identical to sticks from a regular oak tree, act as the subject’s arms, and a smaller wooden protrusion with two leaves erupts from the top of the subject’s head. These components are all able to be removed from the subject without causing injury, and new instances will grow back within one week from their removal.

SCP-9922 is animated through an unknown physical or anomalous force, although the subject claims it is powered by “chrimsmas magic or some shit probably lol”. The head and torso segments are able to be separated from one another temporarily with no apparent negative effects to the subject. The core of SCP-9922, below the 7 cm layer of snow, is a thick fluid determined to be regular, warm custard, which fills the subject’s interior completely. This custard has no anomalous properties besides being an inconsistent temperature with the exterior of the subject, and has been deemed safe for consumption. The proposal to serve this custard perpetually at Site-17’s canteen is pending review.

The subject is able to keep pace with human walking or running, although it despises the latter. It achieves this by shuffling along the ground, which leaves behind a perfect square meter, 5 cm thick layer of snow, and occasionally, leaked custard. It has a supply of snowballs, which it will throw at others when perturbed. These snowballs have no anomalous effect, and are not solid enough to cause damage to anyone or anything. SCP-9922’s supply of snow, custard, and various external adornments are seemingly inexhaustible, even when the subject has been cut in half1, and an excess of 500 liters of custard have been retrieved2. Measurement devices inserted into the custard have found no spatial anomalies which might explain this high volume. The current hypothesis is that the interior of SCP-9922 generates it spontaneously, or pulls it from another reality composed exclusively of custard.

SCP-9922 was discovered on ██/██/1999 at a gas station in ███████, New York, when the attendant reported to the police that there was a “magic frosty the snowman looknig thign” (sic) antagonizing him. Foundation operatives intercepted the situation, and found SCP-9922 pelting the attendant with snowballs for allegedly calling it a “snow man” and not the preferred term, “snow golem”. Class-A amnestics were administered to █ civilian witnesses following acquisition. See Acquisition Log 9922-a for further details.

Upon being exposed to temperatures exceeding 120 degrees Fahrenheit, SCP-9922 will fully melt into a puddle of non-anomalous water, coal, and sticks, which results in its termination. Subject is also capable of manually terminating itself, regardless of external temperature. Either scenario leads to a dormant state analogous to dreaming. Within a time frame no shorter than .3 seconds and no longer than one month following this event, the subject will inhabit the nearest pumpkin in the world with sufficient snow3 nearby, which the subject refers to as 'respawning'. The subject always discards the pumpkin afterwards. The new instance of SCP-9922 has all of the memories of previous instances, and always exclaims some variation of ‘happy birthday, babeyyy’ or 'where we droppin boyz', although whether this is required or an ironic gesture is unable to be determined. Applications of this ability for the secure transfer of information are pending review by the O5 council.

The true origin of SCP-9922 is unknown, as all verbal attempts to ascertain any information about its true nature have been met with a variety of fabrications and falsehoods by the subject4. It is unclear if SCP-9922 is compelled to lie, or if it merely finds this to be amusing. It is currently believed that the memories described by SCP-9922 in Interview Log 9922-37h are likely an accurate origin. See also Addendum 9922-d. Amnestics appear to have little to no effect on the subject, which Dr. S█████ has proposed to be a major liability for the Foundation. Theoretically, any information given to SCP-9922 would be difficult, if not impossible, to contain in the event that the subject is retrieved by another organization, an issue only compounded by its capricious and loose-lipped nature.




Addendum 9922-a:

“Seriously, why are letting her roam the grounds, or use a computer, in the most blatant breach of Foundation protocol I've ever seen? She’s told me four times this week that she’s going to go to the ‘FBI or whoever’ with SCP-458, in order to ‘blow this operation wide open’, and she won’t stop googling how to post things to the ‘dark web’.”

Dr. S█████

Addendum 9922-b:

“S█████, she’s clearly fucking with you. We *tried* containing her without the extra amenities, lost her immediately, and then received a call six months later about a custard-filled monster messing with skiiers. Just play along.”

Dr. R████████




Acquisition Log 9922-a

<Begin Video Log - Timestamp 22:31:03>

[Agent P████ can be seen from K███████'s hidden body camera approaching the gas station attendant, who is an elderly man. Agent P████ and Agent K███████ are posing as law enforcement.]

Agent P████: ...Excuse me, are you Thomas ████████?

[Unintelligible muttering from the attendant can be heard.]

Thomas: Yes! About goddamn time! This- this- this little *bastard* has been throwing-- snowballs -- at me for an hour!

9922: apologize!!!

Thomas: No!!!

[Agent P████ turns to 9922.]

Agent P████: I'm- I'm sorry, could you- er, identify yourself, and stop... throwing... snowballs?

[9922 stares at Agent P for a moment, still throwing snowballs.]

9922: ...

9922: yea ok

[9922 stops throwing snowballs.]

9922: im a snow golem! my names r███! whats yours!

Agent P████: I'm Sergeant Peabody with the ███████ Police Department. Would you mind coming with us for questioning?

9922: oh my, so polite!

9922: yes ill come with you

[Agent P████ glances at Agent K███████, somewhat in disbelief.]

Thomas: I'm pressin' fuckin' charges!

Agent P████: Please file the appropriate report at our station.

Agent K███████, quietly: P, are you sure this isn't just a teenager in a costume?

Agent P████, quietly: I don't know. Look at those arms and the coals, though. That's gotta be anomalous movement.

9922: are you talkin SMACK about me

Agent P████: No.

Thomas: ...Are you arresting her?

Agent P████: Yes, something like that.

9922: aw dip!!!

<End log>

Interview Log 9922-1a

After being brought into containment without incident, Doctor R████████ was assigned to interview SCP-9922 in an effort to ascertain her abilities and origin.

<Begin Audio Log - Timestamp 12:09:47>

[Doctor R████████ can be heard entering the room.]

Dr R████████: Hello, 9922. May I take a seat?

9922: no!

[Doctor R████████ pauses.]

9922: hehe ok sure

Dr R████████: Thank you.

Dr R████████: Could I ask where--

9922: i would like to speak to a lawyer.

Dr R████████: ...This isn't--

9922: --i plead the fifth!

Dr R████████:--a police station. Were you not informed-

9922: -i have rights!!!

Dr R████████: ...

Dr R████████: Okay.

Dr R████████: 9922, do you know where we are right now?

9922: the fuzz got me... and i'm in trouble :(

Dr R████████: No. You're in a special place for... interesting beings such as yourself.

Dr R████████: We're called the SCP Foundation, and we want to keep you safe from the outside world.

9922: aw, really?

9922: that's very sweet of you

9922: but i'm pretty safe! i have extremely deadly fighting skills and powers

Dr R████████: You do?

9922: yes

Dr R████████: Are you referring to your...

[The sound of papers rustling can be heard.]

Dr R████████: Snowball throwing?

9922: i also have a sword

Dr R████████: You-- have a sword...?

9922: watch this

[9922 can be heard slicing itself in half with a sword covered in custard, pulled out of its torso. More custard can be heard gushing onto the floor, as well as the clatter of the sword hitting the ground moments later. Analysis of the sword after being taken away by staff indicates that it was forged no later than 1500 BC.]

Dr R████████: What-

Dr R████████: The fuck-

9922: isnt it neat? :)

Dr R████████: --Holy shit. You're still alive?

<End Log>

Interview Log 9922-37h

Audio transcript of the weekly psychiatric evaluation on ██/██/2019. Note that on the previous night, subject had been allowed to watch a movie titled 'The Ringing Bell', and displayed increased melancholy the following morning.

<Begin Audio Log - Timestamp 14:33:19>

[The sound of Doctor R████████ taking a seat can be heard.]

Dr R████████: Hello, 9922. How are you feeling?

9922: sniff... i'm fine... how are you

Dr R████████: Are you sure you're fine?

9922: yea :(

Dr R████████: ...Okay.

Dr R████████: Could I ask you a few questions, as usual?

9922: what's in it for me?

[A bag of plastic coins audibly shakes.]

9922: oh!!!

9922: novelty doubloons!!!

[The bag is snatched.]

9922: whaddya wanna know?

Dr R████████: I've been told you watched a movie last night.

9922: :(

Dr R████████: Have you ever had any experiences that the movie reminded you of?

9922: yea...

Dr R████████: Could you tell me about them?

9922: i saw a sheep once

Dr R████████: Did something bad happen to the sheep?

9922: no

Dr R████████: ...You just saw a sheep?

9922: i also pet it

Dr R████████: ...

Dr R████████: ...Alright.

Dr R████████: Can you tell me what your earliest memory is?

9922: i already told you my origin story!

Dr R████████: ...No, I just want to know your earliest memory.

9922: oh

9922: hmm

9922: weeeellllllll...

[SCP 9922 pauses.]

9922: i opened my eyes, and i was in... a snowy place, by some woods and mountains and stuff

Dr R████████: Do you remember where, geographically?

9922: idk

9922: colorado has mountains right

Dr R████████: Was it in Colorado?

9922: yes absolutely

Dr R████████: ...Okay. Please continue.

9922: so there were all these people around dressed like weirdos

9922: and i dunno maybe someone farted or something

9922: cause they all looked surprised and unhappy and maybe a little disappointed

9922: and then they started yelling at the short guy

9922: he... dropped something, i think a bowl of pudding? it was unclear

Dr R████████: Were they speaking English?

9922: oh, no, they were speaking [unintelligible]

Dr R████████: ...Could you translate that last word?

9922: no

[Note: Efforts to translate the language used are ongoing.]

9922: anyway, i was in like a big red circle and in the snow there were all these sleeping, um...

9992: oh...

9922: in retrospect, i don't think they were sleeping...

9922: a-anyway, their guts were in another big bowl

9922: the people outside the circle were in a hurry i guess so they led me into the forest where a buncha other bigger snow golems were and they gave me a crappy spear

Dr R████████: There are other snow golems like yourself?

9922: um...

9922: well they looked a little more like human guys

9922: and i don't think theyre still around

Dr R████████: Why is that?

9922: the [unintelligible] got em

Dr R████████: Could you describe the [unintelligible]?

9922: it was like

9922: as big as the trees

9922: and all furry and mean, like...

9922: like a bear that went to college

9922: and it learned about morality in college

9922: and still decided to be evil

Dr R████████: ...I see.

9922: um, then it...

[9922 pauses again, for longer this time]

Dr R████████: 9922?

9922: sorry, it just...

9922: it made them shrivel up...

9922: and they... d-didn't have custard inside, i'll tell you that much...

[9922 shifts uncomfortably, and doesn't continue.]

Dr R████████: Could you tell me what happened then? How did you survive?

9922: um, well...

9922: it clearly ate the others' souls or some shit

9922: but when it got to me it just gagged and moved on

9922: so i bounced

9922: never saw those humans or any golems ever again

9922: i saw a cool dog later that day though

Dr R████████: ...Right. Thank you for sharing.

Dr R████████: That will be, uh, all the questions for today.

Dr R████████: I'll see you next week, 9922.

9922: seeya!!!!!

<End Log>

[Note: The creature described by SCP-9922 seems to be in line with what is known about SCP-████, which has as of yet evaded capture.]



Addendum 9922-c ██/██/2020:

Due to SCP-9922's willingness to go along with anything in return for extremely minor rewards, as well as its low risk level and mild demeanor, permission to cross-test with other SCPs was granted on a case-by-case basis.

Extended Cross-Test Log 9922-a

SCP 458:

Result: SCP-9922 claimed to 'know the guy who made this', before opening it to reveal a medium bbq chicken pizza. It is unknown why 9922's stick arms counted as human hands. Subject immediately turned the pizza box over and started making a large mess.

[Dr S█████: 9922 is no longer allowed access to the pizza box, for the time being. Our janitorial staff have enough food messes of hers to clean up on a daily basis without infinite pizza on top of it.]

SCP 978:

Photographed activity: 9922 standing near members of its assigned research staff.

Photo result: 9922 and its assigned research staff causing minor problems on purpose together.

[Dr R████████: Look, I have a whoopee cushion!]

SCP 4230:

Result: Upon seeing an instance of SCP-4230-B, 9922 started crying, despite being ignored by the 4230-B instance. After the instance was terminated, 9922 was recovered, and questioned about its intense emotional reaction.

[Dr S█████: 9922 claimed to just be scared for 'regular reasons,' and didn't seem to think she was related to 4230 in any way, despite the aesthetic similarities. I would recommend further testing.]

SCP 3008:

Result: 9922 entered 3008 without telling any research staff where it was going or why, leading to a 3-month gap where it was believed 9922 had broken containment. Upon respawning at Site-17, 9922 claimed to be under the impression that 3008 was just the Foundation's personal furniture store, even after being in there for an extended period of time and encountering multiple anomalous staff members.

[Dr R████████: I've sent her back in to get us some nice decorations for the lab.]

SCP ████:

Result: 9922, upon seeing SCP ████, immediately terminated itself and respawned in a pumpkin farm in Russia, breaking containment for over two weeks. After being tracked down, it indicated a strong fear of the Foundation, and had to be bribed with 17.00 USD in order to allow itself to be brought back into containment.

[Dr S█████: Further cross-testing with gory or frightening SCPs has been indefinitely suspended.]

SCP 4514:

Result: 9922 expired and respawned without incident.

[Dr R████████: Without blood, a brain, a heart, or the ability to breathe, this makes no sense. The knife did not activate any anomalous activity that might result in termination; 9922 just dropped dead, in an effect not consistent with its usual self-termination. I must reiterate that no scan has ever indicated any biological processes occurring within 9922, and her custard is entirely identical to regular custard in every way. Why a pizza box and a kill-anything knife are deducing 9922 to be of living human status is beyond me. More testing with human-specific SCPs is recommended, and this all seems to give Log 37h some credibility as her genuine origin.]

[DATA EXPUNGED]

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]

[Dr R████████: I take full responsibility for this event, and I would like to apologize to all involved staff. Cross-testing and regular testing along this avenue should be suspended immediately and indefinitely, for obvious reasons. May God forgive us all.]

Conclusions:

9922 seems to have very little intelligence, willpower, or physical strength in comparison to other sapient skips. She has not been able to correctly identify any anomalous materials or entities she's interacted with as being such in post-test interviews, with the exception of 458. Seriously, she *still* doesn't know 3008 isn't a regular Ikea, even though we tried to tell her multiple times. I have determined that the threat of her being captured by a GOI and tortured for information to be nil. She might even give them enough misinformation to slow them down, to be honest.

9922 is not to be informed of the potential implications of her interactions with human-affecting SCPs, until we can be sure the knowledge won't have an adverse effect on her. We are extremely lucky she doesn't seem to understand the previous incident, and it is imperative that we keep it that way. 9922's mental health and positive view of the Foundation is of the utmost importance to her containment, and the only reason she isn't Keter is because, at the moment, she is a friendly, incompetent, custard-filled snow golem with very little to worry about that might lead to attempts to breach containment. We don't want another 1609 situation on our hands if we can help it. Otherwise, I've gone ahead and updated her description with the new findings.

- Doctor R████████



Addendum 9922-d:

SCP 9922 is believed to be the result of a ritual done by the ██████ people around 3200, BC. DNA and historical analysis of 9922's older belongings support this hypothesis. The subject is likely the product of human sacrifice, which would explain its erroneous results in cross-testing, its human-like psychological profile, and its [DATA EXPUNGED] when brought into contact with [DATA EXPUNGED].

SCP 9922 does not seem aware of this aspect of itself on a conscious level, and attempts to gauge its reaction have been suspended indefinitely.